Getting Numbers Isn’t Winning. Here’s What Men Forget Every Time...
The Real Reason She Won't Text Back
I was actually reasonably good at getting their numbers.
When I was a teenager (14), my friends and I would go to the shopping center in London. There’d be 4-5 of us, and if we had just finished at the cinema or arcade, we saw another group of girls around the same number. My friends would send me over.
You could always tell who the "mother hen" was. She held the clutch bag like it had state secrets and gave side-eyes like a nightclub security guard.
Behind me, the lads stood in a loose, awkward triangle, trying to look effortless but accidentally looking like background dancers from an early 2000s boy band video.
I cleared my throat.
Me: "Erm, excuse me."
The mother hen clocked me instantly. She didn’t flinch. Just a slow turn of the head, chin raised like she was previewing a challenge.
Girl: "Yeah?"
Me: "Me and my mates think you lot are fit, wanna link up?"
There was a moment of silent judgment. She scanned me, then her gaze drifted behind to the boys, two with hands in pockets, one swaying slightly like he wasn’t sure if the beat or nerves were in charge.
Then, with the grace of a councilwoman approving a motion…
Girl: "Alright."
I gave the universal “come over” head nod, the kind only teenage boys understand. They shuffled in with the confidence of lads who couldn’t believe it was working. Only we’d do this every weekend.
Within minutes, I’d clocked the one whose eyes kept meeting mine between sips and smirks of her Cherry Coke from McD’s. The chemistry was quiet, but obvious. We'd talk nonsense, favorite music and shit on MTV, lean in close. If the vibe was right and the timing cheeky, I'd leave with her number, or if I was lucky, a quick snog.
It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t polished. But it was golden, like youth always is when you don’t know any better but believe everything might just work out. No social media or cell phones with anything on them other than the Nokia Snake game.
Fast forward a decade. I just graduated from my MBA, split with my GF some months before, making the most money I ever made. Time to date again. Bear in mind, I hadn’t been single in almost 2 years.
The courage and confidence were still kinda there? But I couldn’t quite get to a specific point.
Something always used to stop me from getting from point A to point B. In the beginning, flirting was like trying to juggle water balloons awkwardly and often ending in a soaking wet mess. But once I got the knack back, I was getting numbers. I thought I was off to the races. The problem was that for every five numbers I got, only one turned into a satisfying date. I was getting lots of numbers but hardly any responses.
I figured out why when I really hit it off with one incredibly attractive woman I met at the supermarket.
I needed to stay in the conversation longer.
The Art of Engagement - Why You Should Stay in the Conversation Longer
Yes, you should keep the conversation going.
Why?
Cause if you get an attractive woman’s number and then leave immediately. To some women, this could appear transactional and fabricated. It might leave her feeling cheap and objectified. As if you just wanted to get her number for some pathetic ego-boosting attempt. You signaled interest, but walked off before the stakes meant anything. It reeks of performance, not presence. Women are overthinkers and they’ll question a few things.
How often does he do this?
Why was he so good?
Am I a number on his list?
It’s that pivotal instance of a number exchange, a moment both rewarding and intimidating, where two previously unknown entities transform into potential partners, that never happens when you get her number and then scurry away like a little mouse who’s gotten the cheese. Trust me, women are incredibly perceptive. The power is always in what they don’t say.
Many men tend to believe, quite incorrectly, that obtaining the phone number signals the end of a conversation. They swiftly exit, clutching that set of digits like a trophy.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. The digits you earn mean nothing if she forgets the man behind them.
In 2008, a study titled “The Role of Conversation in Health Promotion,” published in the International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, they spoke about the significance of communication in establishing meaningful connections. The study revealed that meaningful communication is the bedrock of effective relationships. What this means in the context of dating is that staying in the conversation after a number exchange is far more important than we realize.
Not in a weird verbose way where she may aswell be a fucking Ted talk. But in a way that ends perfectly with the exact amount of dialogue.
You have to somehow stick around for a minute or so later to passively remind her why she gave you her number in the first place. Securing a woman’s number is not the victory but the gateway to it. It is through a meaningful continuation of dialogue that we remind the other person of the mutual resonance that inspired the initial connection. Lingering in the right way turns a moment of interest into a memory with weight.
For example, let’s say you’ve met a woman at a chill, low-key coffee shop, and you’ve just gotten her number after suggesting you go to a local museum. Spend 3–4 minutes talking about any of these topics…
Recall a past topic- Recalling something interesting from your earlier interaction and extending it. For instance, “You mentioned you love hiking. Have you been to any interesting trails recently?”
Future Plans- Ask about her plans for the rest of the day or the weekend. It could trigger a deeper conversation about her interests and hobbies. E.g., “So, any exciting plans for this weekend?”
Shared Experiences or Interests- If you already know about some common interests, delve deeper into those. For example, “Since we both love cooking, have you ever tried any exotic cuisines or dishes?”
Humor- Light-hearted jokes or funny anecdotes can keep the conversation flowing and make it memorable. Like, “You know what’s funny? I used to be absolutely terrible at cooking, to the point that even my dog would run away from the kitchen!”
Give Compliments — Genuine compliments can make the person feel good and keep the conversation going. “You have a great sense of humor. I enjoy our conversation a lot.”
Opinions and Thoughts- Ask for her thoughts on something you both talked about or something that you know she’s interested in. For example, “You mentioned you love reading. What’s been your favorite book this month?”
Remember, the aim is to build a connection and establish a foundation for future conversations, not to bombard her with questions. Keeping the conversation balanced, with you both contributing roughly equally, is the key. Try to be genuine and attentive, and make sure your questions and comments flow naturally from the conversation. If you’re always performing, you’re never present. Authenticity isn’t crafted, it’s revealed when you’re not trying to control the outcome. This will only occur with a lot of trial and error. So don’t give up after a few rejections. They will happen!
Contrary to popular belief, the number exchange isn’t the end but rather the beginning of a new phase of interaction. It’s a transition from ‘stranger to stranger’ to a more meaningful ‘man to woman’ communication. That enabling of both parties to delve beyond the superficial. With every number exchange, we are sowing the seeds of possibility, a chance to transform an ephemeral encounter into a narrative of shared depth and connection.
Yes, it is that deep.
Acclaimed author and psychologist Dr. David G. Myers once wrote, “We can’t empathize with others until we’ve walked in their shoes.” If we want to build meaningful connections, we need to challenge ourselves and our potential women to venture beyond the superficial. I’ve learned so many times that you can’t touch someone’s heart if you only speak to their surface. It’s okay to lean into some romance and scratch deeper. The best connections I’ve ever had begin where pretense ends, and most men never dig deep enough to get there.
But how do we achieve this?
Give Her a Very Light Challenge
After obtaining the phone number, one powerful technique is to invite her to share something unexpected about herself lightly. This can be achieved by first sharing something personal, something that reveals vulnerability and invites trust. When you say, “I usually don’t talk about this,” you communicate that you are sharing something special, establishing a zone of trust.
Like This :
You: “I usually don’t just blurt out how much I love Harry Potter, so let’s hear yours.”
Her: “my what?”
You: “Share me something lightly cringy you usually wouldn’t tell a stranger.”
In psychology, there is a concept known as reciprocity of self-disclosure, where individuals are more likely to share personal information when others have done so first. The psychologist Arthur Aron, in his groundbreaking paper “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” (1997), emphasizes the role of reciprocal and gradually escalating self-disclosure in creating closeness between strangers.
After establishing this newfound level of conversation, remain engaged and appreciative of their disclosure. Remember to express genuine interest and admiration, reinforcing the connection that is being formed. Please, please be sincere and genuine. Women are far more socially calibrated than we are. They get some goober with his dick in his hands, trying to hit on them far more than you realize, so please be sincere.
An excellent ending could be expressing a subtle excitement to meet again to continue this fascinating exchange. This step will resonate with her if you’ve truly connected on a deeper level. It’s a little nerve-racking for some. So here are some examples to use. Please don’t say this verbatim; modify them and make them your OWN!
Well, it’s not every day that I stumble upon such an intriguing conversation. Shall we dare to continue this next Tuesday?”
“A good conversation is like a fine wine it only gets better with time. I’m certainly looking forward to uncorking the next one.”
“Ever heard of a book you can’t put down? This conversation feels a lot like that. I do hope the author is considering a second volume.”
“I feel like the universe’s nudge for us to continue this dialogue somewhere even more exciting. Consider me game if you are.”
“You know, I think we’ve just stumbled upon an incredible conversation. I’m certainly game for another spin on the dance floor.”
“A captivating conversation like this is the pilot episode of a potentially great series. Looking forward to streaming the next one with you.”
“A good dialogue, they say, is a journey. How about we map out our next expedition soon?”
Now look, these are all incredibly corny and on the nose, fine. But that’s the idea, dummy. A stupid endearing way so she’ll remember how comfortable you are poking fun at yourself and making things less intense, women love a bit of goofy levity every now and than and if she doesn’t maybe, good riddance and lighten the fuck up.
It’s like the dance of a sculptor with their marble, chipping away at the facade to reveal the masterpiece that was always there, hidden beneath the surface of the rigid, boring, and miserable conservative social norms that society beats us over the head with. This delicate dance, this sublime art, holds the power to morph the hues of your relationships and, by extension, the landscape of your life. You MUST get better at this if you wish to meet the BEST women.
If you don’t chip away at who you were told to be, you’ll never uncover who she’s been waiting to meet. Becoming a real man who’s bold, brave, and ready is the cost of meeting someone real. As I got older, dating was easier as I found that most men are statues of their own fear, admired from afar, untouched, and unloved.
The life you want lives on the other side of obedience to things that never served you.
So the next time you get a cute girl’s number. Don’t thank her and leave. But stick around for a couple of minutes more.
And that’s the part they never taught us at the shopping center. Back then, we thought the win was the number, the nod, the snog behind McD’s. We didn’t know the real art came after.
The quiet courage of staying in the moment, letting presence do what performance never could. Years later, older, sharper, bruised but better, I understand, it’s not about collecting numbers like trophies, it’s about creating gravity. Women don’t remember the line; they remember how they felt after the exchange.
That feeling.
That unspoken resonance isn’t built into the ask. It’s built in the linger. So next time you get a number, don’t walk away like the mission’s complete. Stay. Say something real. Let her remember the man, not the move.
Because the ones worth knowing? They’re not waiting for perfection, they’re waiting for proof you can stay long enough to be remembered.