"JuST bE cONfiDenT, bRo" - The Greatest Lie Sold to Ugly Men
Why this is one of the worst pieces of advice people give to men.
You can honestly picture the smug bastard telling you this, right?
You know exactly what he looks like.
Sometimes, when I hear dating advice like this paraded around social media as if they discovered electricity, I feel like grabbing my beer and throwing it all over that glib face.
Okay, of course, I’m kidding (Kind of). But sometimes, that’s how I feel.
One of the most annoying and often misunderstood, oversimplified pieces of dating advice that goes beyond the point of beating a dead horse is the mantra of “just be confident.”
It’s like telling a depressed man to simply cheer up, a well-meaning but ultimately ineffective and crap piece of advice, much like tossing a man in quicksand, throwing him a motivational book by Tony Robbins, and calling it a day.
As useful as an ejector seat in a helicopter.
It’s so annoying. Especially when I hear self-proclaimed dating experts spout out that mantra as if they’ve created a groundbreaking new framework that will change everything!
Confidence is not and has never been the magical key to dating success; it is not a switch to be flipped on demand. It’s a complex, multifaceted trait that intertwines with our deepest insecurities and social anxieties.
It grows in the darkest shadows, showered on full blast by rejection, tempered by deep reflective solitude, and carved by the sharpest blade of brutal, honest self-assessment.
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.” — Mark Twain
The journey to confidence is internal
It’s about shifting perspectives, dropping insecurities, and embracing your true self. You have to be able to differentiate between confidence and competence.
Competence is about skill, while confidence is about belief, regardless of skill level. Like the two wings of a bird, competence and confidence must balance; one without the other, and the flight to self-realization never takes off.
For a lot of men dating, they have blind confidence without competence, which ends up being a pitiful delusion, but then men who master it learn that true confidence is forged through experience, self-awareness, and actually becoming the man you claim to be.
Stop trying to impress women, shuck, jive, sing, and dance. The only validation you need is from yourself. Begin to develop this mindset now!
Chasing after external validation is like running on a treadmill at max speed on an incline expecting to reach a destination; you end up exhausted but still in the exact same place with the same shitty self-esteem you had in the first place.
Genuine confidence comes from the very depths of your soul, filled to the brim with actual experience, and it’s not reliant on others’ perceptions or approval. Focus on your personal journey of self-discovery.
To get confidence, you need wins.
This is one of the biggest tools you’ll have when it comes to gaining truly superior confidence that comes from a real place. Build a catalog, tower, and body of wins to help propel you forward.
A man with a history of victories walks differently, because he’s earned the fucking right to. I’d honestly rather wrestle a greased-up gorilla in a church than pretend I’m confident without ever stacking wins.
The “winner effect” is a psychological and physiological phenomenon where winning an initial contest increases the likelihood of winning future contests. This effect was observed in a study involving mice: two mice would compete for territory, and one was drugged to ensure its defeat. The victorious mouse (Mouse A), despite not being drugged in subsequent contests, continued to win against different opponents. This winning streak was attributed to increased confidence and elevated testosterone levels.
You can apply all this shit to building your confidence in life, let alone with dating.
Set achievable and very easy goals. For example, walk 15 minutes a day, be it fitness, or say “hello” to every human you walk past. Achieving these goals will start a cycle of confidence-building, and you can start to count those small wins! I went from saying hello to strangers to meeting a woman at the car wash and dating her for a few months. But you gotta start super small and build up.
Perception plays a crucial role in the winner effect. It’s not just about objective success but also about how you perceive and internalize your achievements. Remember, everything counts! No win is too small. I mean, shit, just by going to the gym, that’s a win. Decide what wins are for you and go from there. But they have to be pushing you forward. Don’t just say “hello” to women for six months; increase the intensity and difficulty weekly so you can grow. Once a few small victories are achieved, use that momentum to tackle bigger goals.
Momentum is a massive debt you owe to yourself, stack your victories or be buried deep beneath your excuses.
You will encounter setbacks.
You’re a human being, for goodness’ sake. Shake that shit off and move forward. If you can look up, you can get up; no matter how much it rains, the sun always shines again, so you gotta keep going. The difference between me and any other man will always be resilience and learning from failures rather than being discouraged by them. You must make sure your mindset shifts from focusing on outcomes to focusing on growth and self-improvement. This mental shift from external validation to internal development will put you so much closer to peak confidence. Resilience isn’t the absence of failure but the willingness to rise and walk the path anew, with lessons learned and spirit undimmed, because as a lion learns the terrain with each hunt, so do we grow stronger with each challenge we face and overcome.
Take action to make confidence work!
This is on you!
All of this shit you’re reading is all for absolutely nothing unless you stop your fucking bitching and moaning, get your ass out of the house, and do something.
DO SOMETHING.
TAKE ACTION.
If you complain in the comments, I know it’s because you failed to take consistent, heartfelt, and real action. Your words will be like a chef who blames the recipe for an uncooked meal, yet never even comes close to lighting the stove; we all know being a great cook requires more than reading the recipe and knowing the ingredients — it needs the fire of action.
Get out of the house and do something!
If you don’t take action now, you never will. The world is unforgiving to men relentless, indifferent, and quick to move on. In most cases, it’s women, children, and dogs first, while a man’s worth is measured solely by what he can offer. In the quiet spaces between the ticking of the clock, you will always find this simple truth…
Act or be left behind in the dust of those who did.
Here’s a Step By Step Guide to Building Real Confidence
Actionable Steps to Implement Immediately!
Set Micro-Goals — Start with absurdly easy tasks. Walk for 15 minutes a day. Say “hello” to one stranger. Do three push-ups in the morning. Build a habit of winning.
Level Up Weekly — If week one is saying “hello” to strangers, week two is starting small talk. Week three is complimenting someone. Progressively increase the challenge at whatever level you wish to begin with.
Track Progress — This might be a bit taxing for some, but it’s what I did. Write down every small win, no matter how insignificant it seems. Wins build momentum.
Face Discomfort Head-On — Confidence doesn’t grow in the comfort zone. Put yourself in controlled situations where failure is a possibility, but the risk is manageable.
Celebrate Growth, Not Perfection — The goal is progress, not perfection. If you improve even 1% daily, the compounded results over a year will be life-changing.
Remember, investing in personal growth is a step towards a more fulfilled and confident self. Growth is the only wealth that cannot be stolen from anyone. Invest in yourself, and you will never be bankrupt a day in your life!
If this article resonated with you, don’t stop here — join the movement. Follow me on Threads, Instagram, TikTok to connect with a growing community of men committed to leveling up, having fun, and meeting amazing women along the way. Together, we’re rewriting the rules, sharing real insights, and building a space where self-improvement and great conversations thrive. Don’t just read, be part of something bigger.
Thanks for reading,
I appreciate the fact the the points are applicable and actionable. Your Substack inspires motivation and hope. When I found it I was a butt hairs away from getting an Alex Jones bumper sticker, huffing some chem trails and doom scrolling INCEL sub reddits while binge watching anime until I had the self-confidence to seduce my AI smart toaster. I'm better now. Keep doing God's work.