“She didn’t even want to get a coffee with me, WTF!?”
Why you have to work on asking women out and reframe your complete paradigm!
“Trey! I took your advice and I asked a girl out for a coffee like you said I should. And she said, now. She said she wanted to go on ‘a real date’. Now what do I do!?”
Well, first of all, my friend, anyone who says shit like “real date”. Let them get that from someone else cause they clearly don’t know the etymology of what the word dating even means.
Secondly, let me break down where I think you might have gone wrong.
I’ll stand my previous articles and statement, be cheap as hell and spend as little on a first date as humanly possible; this works for a reason. When we extend a dating invitation to a woman, whether it be for a leisurely stroll or a simple coffee, we’re offering much more than just the explicit activity.
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” — William James.
Our every interaction on a first date is an exchange of value wrapped up in an experience package; because you asked her out, this is an experience you are required to provide.
As you ponder why you might struggle to persuade someone to accompany you for a simple coffee, consider this — it’s not about the aroma of the beans but the company they’ll share. If your invitations are met with reluctance, perhaps the problem is not in the coffee but in the mirror; how did you promote the opportunity of a first date to her? You have to look at why she should even go on a date with you.
You’re the MOVIE!
Going on a first date is like being the director of your own blockbuster movie. Your date is the anticipating audience, and you’re the director, the one who’s in charge of the narrative, plot twists, and the overall experience. You’ve seen those directors, haven’t you? The ones who promise a breathtaking spectacle of action, romance, and drama that keeps you on the edge of your seat. But, instead, they end up delivering a confusing mishmash of scenes with no climax, no character development, no nothing — kind of like an offbeat indie film that was probably high on artistic vision but low on audience relatability. Just think about the movie Suicide Squad (2016) a lot of promise from such a great director, but very little payoff.
It’s like expecting to see an adrenaline-pumping action-packed movie like “The Fast and the Furious” but instead being handed a reel of “The Room”. Sure, Tommy Wiseau is a legend in his own right, but he’s probably not what you signed up for when you bought your ticket for an action movie, right?
Asking a woman out on a first date, you’re not just offering them time — you’re setting a stage for an experience. And that experience, much like a blockbuster movie, should be captivating, engaging, and most of all, entertaining. No one signs up for “Fast and Furious” to get “The Room” — so make sure your date isn’t signing up for a thrilling ride only to be handed an empty popcorn bucket. Keep it interesting, keep it exciting, and most of all, keep it fun — just like the best movies out there.
Stop spending stupid amounts of money. You’ll most likely NEVER get back.
If you don’t know any other way of going on first dates other than lavishing your potential companion with extravagant dinners as a means to win their favor and impress her, you might need to take a step back and reassess your approach because right now, you’re about as imaginative as a ham sandwich. This is weak and shows a lack of creativity.
Don’t believe me? Okay, hold my beer:
In a 2018 study by Elite Singles, it was found that the majority of women (58%) and men (62%) believed that $20 or less was the ideal amount to spend on a first date. The study showed that spending a lot doesn’t necessarily mean a better date.
2. In a 2019 survey conducted by Bankrate, they found out that the average single American spends $159 per month on dating, which includes everything from dating apps to bar tabs and dating events. Over-spending on a first date could lead to unsustainable dating costs, particularly if you’re not finding a connection in the first few dates.
3. A Match.com survey showed that 46% of women were “turned off” by an extravagant first date. It shows that going overboard on the first date isn’t always impressive and can sometimes come across as trying too hard or compensating for other shortcomings. Yikes.
4. Spending lavishly on a first date can set an unsustainable precedent for future dates. A survey from Money and SurveyMonkey found that 36% of people have felt financial strain due to their dating habits. This figure shows the importance of starting as you mean to go on, and not creating expectations early on that may lead to financial stress later.
5. According to a 2016 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychological Science, men who spend a lot on first dates often have the expectation that women should reciprocate their generosity in other ways. This might send the wrong message and could potentially lead to a power imbalance in the relationship.
Is it, not a more genuine intention to appreciate someone for who they are, rather than for what you can offer them materially? Think about that for a minute.
If it took money to get her, what would it take to keep her?
If you invite her for a walk, remember she is perfectly capable of taking a walk alone, whether with friends, her dog, or a family member. She doesn’t need you to place one foot in front of the other. Similarly, if the invite is for coffee, rest assured she can cover the cost of her own pumpkin spice latte. What, then, are you truly inviting her into? What’s going to be different with you? What compelling reason does she have?
Ask yourself that question. What’s the “why?”
In his Theory of Human Motivation, psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed that individuals are motivated to achieve certain needs. At the pinnacle of this hierarchy of needs is self-actualization, the realization of personal potential. So, what potential does your invitation hold? Write it down.
Cut through the bullshit jargon and buzzwords, and we find ourselves at the core of the matter — the essence of the first date experience. An adventure, you might say. Yet, this adventure isn’t merely a thrilling escapade but rather an embodiment of your essence, who you are, and why she might fall for you. It is an experience crafted around the inner fabric of your personality, your story, your quirks, and, most importantly, your vision.
When someone accepts your invitation, they’re not just in for the coffee or the walk but for a glimpse into your vision — your aspirations, what you stand for, what you can offer emotionally, your journey, and your life. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that sharing personal aspirations with others can be essential for our psychological well-being.
The key to crafting an irresistible invitation, then, lies in — your intention. As the spiritual world might say, set an intention or manifestation. It’s not about what you’re doing at that moment but about where you’re going in life and how inviting her to share that journey with you can make her day great too. The vision, my friends, is the magical key to the kingdom of connection. Give her a vision as to what would make this simple walk in the part special.
“The best way to predict your future is to create it.” — Stephen R. Covey.
So, as you extend your next invitation, ask yourself — what possible future are you promising to share?
It’s more than a quick date.
You’re not merely offering a slice of our time but a slice of our lives. It’s like opening the pages of a book yet unwritten and inviting someone else to co-author it with us.
“We are not here to sell a parcel of boilers and vats, but the potentiality of growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice.” — Samuel Johnson.
But it’s not that deep, right? Is it just one first date? Why would this concept be so pivotal, so transformative?
A simple coffee date is nothing but your souls coming together and devling into connection, it strips all the vapid and adventure-laden dates and only has two people coming together, and what remains is the bare, unadulterated truth of the matter — our purpose, our essence, our vision. The invitation to a walk or a coffee is merely a vehicle to transport your romantic vision from the ethereal realm of possibility to the concrete reality of the present moment — the vision of a great date for her and also for you.
But you must be able to communicate it effectively. A study from the University of California, Berkeley, highlighted the importance of effective communication in building and maintaining social relationships. And isn’t that the ultimate goal? Not to sell a walk or a coffee but to sell the potential of an enriching, shared experience.
The art of inviting someone into your life boils down to this — understanding what you represent, who you are, and what you provide to anyone interacting with you and projecting it into the world. It’s about setting an intention, or as some spiritual circles would call it, ‘manifestation.’ In the world of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), this is often described as a state of mind where one is most open and receptive to change and new experiences.
It’s never really about the coffee.
As we’ve established, the heart of your invitation isn’t about the walk or the coffee. Instead, it’s about the potentiality of the experience, the promise of a memorable date. It’s about inviting her into the future you’re building for yourself — and the possibility of building it together.
When it comes to crafting an enticing invitation, it’s never about the activity, but the shared vision, the shared journey, and the possibility of a shared life. Any woman who demands you take her on a “real date” most likely just doesn’t really like you, sorry. Stop wasting your time with women who care more about the “adventure and spontaneous dates” rather than the actual human who invited her in the first place. If they want an action-packed evening, tell them to hire an event planner and wish them well.
Look at it this way; you’re standing at the threshold of a grand house, ready to invite someone in. Is it enough to merely show them the front door and its grandiose patterns and architecture? Or the fancy digital fingerprint reader to get in? Or, should you instead share with them the warmth of the hearth, the tantalizing aroma from the kitchen, and the laughter echoing from the rooms within?
It’s not the walk or the coffee we invite someone to, but rather the escape from the monotony of everyday life — the prospect of laughter, connection, and a sense of belonging, someone who might possibly get you and you get them.
A recent study by the Pew Research Center underscores this perspective, suggesting that our social activities aren’t just about the physical act, but about the experiences and the state of mind they induce. Are you inviting someone on a walk to clear your mind, to reconnect with nature, or to tap into a meditative state? Perhaps it’s all three. In my case, I find that walks serve as an invaluable source of inspiration, sparking brilliant ideas, and providing that crucial discovery of who someone is free of external distractions.
Every action we undertake is tinged with a unique intention when it comes to a first date. As men inviting a woman on a first date, we are in control of the experiences we bring forth, always asking ourselves, “What are my desires? What do I want from this experience, how do I want her to fee? How can I allow for her to feel comfortable?”
IT’S MORE THAN COFFEE, MOFOS.
The legendary life coach Tony Robbins once said, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” It’s not about the coffee, the walk, or the shiny object of your proposition; it’s about the experience you’re offering. Are you promising a deep, enriching conversation, an opportunity to discuss mutual passions, or a journey to understand and appreciate each other’s values?
Whether your invitation revolves around a coffee, a walk, or any activity, always remember — it’s about your vision. It’s about your intent and your purpose. It’s about the inviting future you’re painting for your potential companions, where they are not merely guests, but rather co-creators of shared memories.
The Challenge and my invitation:
So here’s a task for you, dear readers. Take a moment to discern your proposition of value. If you were to invite a lovely woman for a coffee or a walk, what is the purpose, the intention, the meaning behind it? What is the vision for yourself, and what vision are you inviting them into?
Do not be discouraged if you find yourself at a loss for words. Even if your life feels monotonous or uninspiring, I challenge you to find three things, three propositions of value, that make you a worthy companion for that walk or that coffee. This exercise isn’t just about the art of inviting but also about the art of self-reflection, of understanding your life’s direction and your relationship goals.
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
So, let’s be the difference. Let’s make our shared walks and coffees more than just activities — let’s make them unforgettable experiences.
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