She Rejected Him. He Killed Her.

Rejection Isn’t a Death Sentence But Some Men Are Treating It Like One...

(Disclaimer - I’m very mad as I type this up, so there will be a lot of curse words, anger, frustration, and insults. If this ain't your cup of tea, don’t read it.)

So many men think rejection is the worst thing that can happen to them in dating. Situations like this are exactly why I try to help men deal with rejection, so the wrong ones don’t commit such senseless acts of violence.

I’m angry, I’m pissed, and I’m just so fucking frustrated with stories like this. This poor woman had her life taken away from her because of a sack of shit who I genuinely hope picks up the soap in prison every day of his life. I hope he flosses his teeth with barbed wire dipped in ghost-pepper sauce.

Rejection is supposed to happen. It’s not an error in the system; it’s a feature of it.

And if you don’t learn how to handle it, you’re risking becoming dangerous to yourself, to others, or both. If you can’t respect a woman's God-given right to reject you, you shouldn’t be dating. Rejection isn’t humiliation, it’s a consistent graduation. Handle it, or repeat the lesson. If you can’t take a ‘no,’ there isn’t a world where you deserve a ‘yes.’

Let’s talk about Jose (coward-ass) Lewis Lopez Shik, a 27-year-old man from Minnesota who took rejection so personally that he turned it into murder.

A man she met online. After spending time together, Kayla rejected Lopez's push for a romantic relationship, telling him she was overwhelmed, stressed, and not ready for anything more than friendship. His phone data showed he was outside Kayla’s apartment texting her the next day before the crime.

Neighbors heard Kayla shout,

“How could you do this to me?”

…shortly before she was killed. The next day, after missing work and a planned meeting with friends, police found Kayla’s body in her apartment. She had been shot in the head, and the scene showed signs of a vicious struggle.

Police later found discarded ammunition and other evidence nearby. When arrested, Lopez didn’t ask why; he simply told officers to “hurry it up.” (What a little shit) He also made statements implying he feared “slipping up” during questioning, further incriminating himself. He didn’t seem to be a very intelligent person from the sounds of things.

Lopez was charged with second-degree murder, though many legal experts argue the case clearly shows premeditation and intent, which could justify a first-degree murder charge. If convicted of second-degree murder, he faces around 25 years to life, but first-degree could mean natural life without parole. I hope they give him the real prison experience and make him feel right at home. I personally think that sentence is weak. That’s like handing out a parking ticket for arson; it barely scratches the surface of what he deserves and sends a bad message against violence against women.

# 1 The Story That Should Make Every Man Reflect

Please believe I don’t mean this from a performative lens or pandering spotlight to white knight for women. Yes, men should reflect, but we also have a duty to intervene, to guide, and to make sure this kind of tragedy never repeats itself.

On June 27th, 2024, Jose Lopez killed 22-year-old Kayla Arf because she told him something every man hears at some point -

“I’m only interested in friendship. I don’t feel a romantic connection.”

I mean, shit, this was such a level-headed and genuine rejection. Instead of accepting this like a mature adult, Jose went full fucking predator. This evil little cunt bought tape, a mask, an apron, gloves, and waited outside her apartment before taking her life in ice-cold blood.

She said no in the kindest way possible, and he proved exactly why she should’ve never had to explain herself. Too many women are forced to soften rejection to protect their own safety, walking a tightrope between honesty and survival. I’m still so confused. How can a man get 25 years, even though the life he stole was worth far more? This isn’t just about one case; it’s about a culture where some men treat women like property, where machismo turns deadly, and where kindness is mistaken for consent.

Why did he do it!?

Because in his mind, her “no” wasn’t just rejection. It was an attack on his identity. In his mind, it was the final straw of what seemed could be a lifetime of rejection. In his mind, he had invested so much stock in this friendship that he needed it to pay off.

His sick, twisted mind felt like he was entitled to something, and he absolutely wasn’t. He wanted power, and killing her was the only pathetic way he thought he could.

#2 | Rejection Isn’t New. But Entitlement Is Getting Worse.

Men have always faced rejection. In fact, men get ignored or rejected 13x more often than women on first contact. But not every man reacted like this. Not every man decides that killing women is the answer.

Rejection is universal, but turning pain into punishment is such a horrible choice some men make.

It has to take a very sick individual to do something like this, but also these kinds of men have always been here.

The ticking time bombs are ready to explode, and a lot of modern media hasn’t helped.

What’s changed?

We’re living in a hyper-validation economy. Likes, matches, DMs, it’s all designed to keep you believing you’re owed attention just for existing. Or designed to keep people in a dopamine-injected state where they have a constant craving but never quite get what they actually want.

There is a Psychology Behind the Problem…

• Cognitive Dissonance
  When men believe “I’m a good guy, so she should like me,” but get rejected, their brain scrambles for justification. Some crash out like they’re off their meds because they can’t resolve the gap between who they think they are and how the world responds. The internal locus of control can’t quite grasp their own supply and lack of demand.
  

• Entitlement Narcissism
  According to studies in Personality and Individual Differences (2015), people who score high on entitlement traits are far more likely to react with aggression when they don’t get what they want.

Bastards.

No, I’m for real, I can’t stand people like this.

Ya see, it’s never about love. It’s about control and power. He isn’t angry because she said no; he’s angry because he built his worth on the expectation she wouldn’t.

#3 | Emotional Illiteracy Is Killing Us (Literally)

In more common cases, killing women. Let me be vehemently clear here.

A lot of men never learned how to sit with feelings like…

• Rejection

• Loneliness

• Embarrassment

• Powerlessness

Instead, they stuff it down or try to “fix” the feeling by forcing the outcome. If that doesn’t work, the pressure cooker explodes. I keep saying that we, as men, need to lean on the right side of history, and now is the time. So we can do our best to avoid someone's daughter dying at the hands of an insecure little coward. It’s simple, really. You can break the cycle by processing the pressure, or become the cycle by passing it on.

Wake up to how fucked up this whole scenario was. History remembers the men who protect the powerless; it forgets the cowards who prey on them.

Most men are more comfortable buying a gun than booking a therapy session. This is a huge issue.

I swear to god I’m not saying this as a quip, but this is how it comes across. In fact, studies from the American Psychological Association show cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) reduces aggressive outbursts by up to 65% in men who struggle with emotional regulation.

If you have issues, please figure them out, go to therapy, work out, and gather more male friends. Above all else, always remember that strength isn’t in who you can hurt, it’s in who you can help; power isn’t supposed to be in dominance, it’s in discipline.

#4 | The “Friend Zone” Isn’t a Trap. It’s a Boundary.

Let’s kill this myth once and for all…

Being in the friend zone doesn’t make you a victim. Trying to escape it by manipulation makes you a predator.

Some of the healthiest relationships do start as friendships, but only if both people are genuinely open to it, without ulterior motives. To be honest, I never really had that many friends who were girls going up. I had some. But I was always very clear that they were sisters to me, and I got into that friendship wanting nothing more.

8/10 times, if you become friends with a girl to have sex with her eventually, it will rarely, if ever, work in your favor. Ulterior motives for any platonic relationship are built on a lie.

Jose wasn’t interested in being Kayla’s friend. He was running what psychologists call “covert contracts.”

Covert Contract
“If I do X for you (buy gifts, spend time), then you owe me Y (romantic attention, sex).”

When the other person doesn’t agree to this unspoken deal, resentment festers.

#5 | Heartbreak Is Human. Violence Is Not.

Rejection hurts.

That’s life.

The world in general is indifferent to you, always has been, always will be. Most people don’t even know you exist. These are not bad things, it’s life. We’re all trying our best to live it. Don’t you get it? Pain is proof you’re alive; expecting a painless life is proof you’re not living.

The universe owes you nothing, and that’s exactly what makes your choices matter.

But turning heartbreak into heartlessness isn’t just a failure of discipline and perspective. It’s a twisted, entitled, evil response to someone whom you have NO RIGHT to take their life.

As men, we’re taught to win at all costs. But sometimes the bravest thing you can do is walk away with your dignity intact. Let that woman do what she wants to do and fuck off. No woman, no man, no human owes you anything. You’re insignificant on a cosmic scale; that’s why how you respond counts so much more.

You don’t need to "get the girl" to prove your worth. You need to get a grip on your own emotions before you try to share your life with someone else. You need to look inward and stop blaming everyone but yourself, and focus on what you CAN do vs what you have NO CONTROL over.

Fixing yourself is harder than forcing someone to like you; that’s why it’s the only work worth doing.

# 6 “We were right CHOOSE THE BEAR”

With many cases such as this, it seems like a great excuse for the usual internet harpies to push the agenda that all men are responsible, “choose the bear,” and all the other generalized misandrists' statements that tar us all with the same brush. Which, at this point, is as logical as banning swimming lessons because some people drown.

But can we come together?

Can we all agree that this is abhorrent and work together to address it?

Are women at risk of being killed for rejecting a man?

Yes.

But the risk is statistically rare, despite being tragic and headline-grabbing when it happens.

• According to a 2022 CDC report, about 1 in 5 homicides of women in the U.S. are committed by an intimate partner (usually male).

• A 2020 study in the journal Violence Against Women found that about 10% of all female homicide victims are killed after ending or rejecting a romantic relationship.

Again, none of this is okay, right, or acceptable. I’m just trying to make sure we don’t all panic.

What about "rejection killings"?

• These cases are high-profile but statistically rare.

• Most rejections women give to men do not result in violence.

• Based on data from Everytown for Gun Safety, around 700 women are murdered each year in the U.S. by partners or ex-partners. But consider this…

Tens of millions of women reject men every year without violence happening.

So Are Women Safe?

YES

In fact, women are statistically safer now than they were 20 years ago in terms of violent crime victimization, including homicide, assault, and intimate partner violence.

Over the last two decades, the landscape of violence against women in America has quietly but significantly changed, and the numbers prove it.

According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, violent crime against women has dropped by 49% since 2000, falling from 31.4 incidents per 1,000 women to just 15.9. The story gets even stronger when you zoom in on domestic abuse, intimate partner violence has plummeted by over 58%, according to the National Crime Victimization Survey and CDC reports, shrinking from 8.7 to 3.6 incidents per 1,000 women.

And when it comes to the gravest statistic of all, homicide, the downward trend continues. Per FBI Uniform Crime Reporting and CDC Mortality data, female homicide rates have dropped by 25%, from 2.4 per 100,000 women in 2000 to 1.8 in 2022. Yes, most of these murders are still committed by current or former male partners, a grim reality that needs acknowledgment. But make no mistake, the broader trajectory is clear, the numbers are falling, the rates are shrinking, and the needle is moving in the right direction.

BUT.

Yes, there’s always a hairy butt.

Women's fear is valid because the consequences when things go wrong are severe, and women are socially conditioned to consider worst-case scenarios.

Look, I hate it for you, I really do. When my partner goes out to meet her sister or friends, I’m always texting, making sure she got there okay, cause it’s the world we live in.

#7 | Why Do These Stories Feel Like They’re Everywhere?

It’s because of a pretty easy phenomenon called Psychological Bias.

• Availability Heuristic
  Your brain thinks something is more common if you hear about it frequently, especially violent, emotionally charged stories.
  
  

• Survivorship Bias
  You don’t hear about the millions of peaceful rejections that happen daily because they’re… uneventful. Most people don’t wanna read that. Humans suck.
  

# 8 | But “90% to 99% of sexual assaults against women are committed by men.

It’s true. But there’s a very easy caveat to see here…

• According to the U.S. Department of Justice and RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
  

  • 90% to 99% of sexual assaults against women are committed by men.

  • BUT…

    • This does not mean 99% of men are committing sexual assault.

  • It means that the majority of perpetrators are male, not that the majority of men are perpetrators. BTW, this isn’t a gotcha moment. I was actually under the assumption that it was common knowledge, but I was wrong.

What Percentage of Men Commit Sexual Assault? Estimates vary, but here’s what the research shows…

• Studies suggest 4% to 8% of men admit to acts that meet the legal definition of sexual assault when surveyed anonymously.

• A 2021 meta-analysis in Trauma, Violence, & Abuse found that between 5% and 10% of men report committing sexual coercion or assault at some point in life.

• Most sexual assaults are committed by repeat offenders; in fact, serial perpetrators account for the majority of sexual violence.
  (Lisak & Miller, Violence and Victims, 2002)

The problem is concentrated in a small minority of repeat offenders, not the male population at large. Most men are not predators or killers, but almost all predators are men. That’s the nuance society often misses.

#9 | It’s Understandable - Those Fears are Valid.

Women are evolutionarily wired to avoid worst-case risks because physical harm has historically carried more fatal consequences for them. So I would never be offended by an emotional reaction.

Unfortunately, women are taught from a young age to be cautious because some men do react badly, even if most do not. It’s terrible, I remember in HS I was a junior and my GF at the time was overdeveloped in the chest region. The number of leering men in the cars that would stare woke me up. Imagine how she felt?

Women have very valid concerns.

But again, we can’t solve it by blaming an entire gender.

Can we work together?

#10 Can I Offer Some Advice?

Stay sharp, but don’t shiver; fear is a blade. Hold it right, it protects you; hold it wrong, it cuts you from the inside out.

The world respects eyes wide open, not knees buckling. So women should draw their lines early and carve them deep. A boundary isn’t a fence, it’s a landmine. Good men will respect the sign that says "No trespassing." Predators will test it and that’s exactly how you find them. Say no once. Say it hard enough that they don’t ask again. I wouldn’t let any man come to your home until you know you're safe. I don’t know when that would be, cause the reality is you simply have to let time tell you the truth.

And never fight alone.

But this is all bullshit, right?

She told him she wanted to be friends, and he still murdered her? I don’t have a silver bullet. I wish I did, I just have hands, a laptop, and a publish button, and for now, that’s the best I can do. If there are more things, please let me know in the comments. I want more change. Speaking out feels small, but silence makes the monsters bigger, right?

As for men…

Normalize rejection. It’s part of life and not an insult to your worth. Please, for FFS, NEVER turn to violence. I get it, bruv, I’ve had brutal, mean, and insufferable women who have told me all the harsh ways of rejection. But a woman could tell me to suck my own dick and jump off a cliff with my pants down, and still it wouldn’t warrant a murder, violence, or anything. Take it on the chin and bounce.

Work on emotional regulation. It’s not a weakness to process hurt feelings; it’s power.

Most men are not violent. But the few that are violent disproportionately affect women’s sense of safety. Don’t be that bloke.

If you’re a man reading this, here’s your mission. Normalize the word NO. It’s not a personal attack. It’s part of the game. Work on your emotional conditioning the same way you hit the gym. Stop romanticizing persistence when it’s really obsession. Sometimes “try harder” is just code for “refuse to let go.”

The Kayla Arf case is tragic, but it represents an extreme exception, not the rule. I wish more people knew that. The fear women feel is valid, but the statistical reality is that most men do not harm women after rejection.

Both men and women benefit when society teaches emotional maturity, boundary respect, and healthy coping with rejection.

Rejection is a universal human experience, but violence isn’t supposed to be.

It’s not coded into masculinity, it’s not baked into biology, and it sure as hell isn’t a rite of passage. It’s a glitch in the system, not a feature of manhood. If you can’t hear “no” without turning it into war, then you’re not ready to date; you’re ready for therapy, for reflection, for a reckoning with yourself.

We need more men willing to lose with grace, walk away with dignity, and carry the scar of rejection without turning it into someone else’s funeral. The world is already heavy enough without another mother burying her daughter because some punk bitch coward couldn’t handle reality. Put the knife down. Pick your dignity up. And let no mean no, not just for her sake, but for yours.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, several resources are available to offer help. For immediate help, contact:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

• Minnesota Day One at 866-223-1111.

• The Women’s Advocates crisis line at 651-227-8284.

More than 12 million people just in the U.S. are affected by domestic violence every year, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

The organizations listed above can help connect victims to resources like safe shelter, advocacy, legal help and support groups.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers tips for identifying abuse and supporting victims of abuse. CLICK HERE to see those.

Other organizations that can help include:

• Violence Free Minnesota at 651-646-6177 or 800-289-6177.

• STANDPOINT(formerly the Battered Women’s Legal Advocacy Project) at 612-343-9842.

• Mending the Sacred Hoop at 888-305-1650.

• Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault at 612-209-9993.

Minnesota also has a list of many other resources for victims of crimes that can be found HERE.